The Myth about Boundaries
What is a Boundary?
When discussing intentions and managing stress, boundaries may not be the first thing that comes to mind. Often, boundaries are mistakenly viewed as a separation of self from others, but they are a crucial part of connection.
Setting boundaries can be a daunting task. We can think of endless reasons to avoid these uncomfortable conversations: What if the person I set a boundary with feels hurt? How do I let someone know they aren’t respecting my boundaries? Can I just act like everything is okay until they do it again? Maybe I should just ghost them.
Our first thought might be: “I can’t say anything. It’s too scary.” But hopefully, after reading this, saying the scary thing will feel a little less intimidating.
Types of Boundaries
There are two types of boundaries: internal and external. Internal boundaries help ensure that we stay in alignment with the intentions we set and the values important to us. External boundaries are those we set with others, and they ultimately help us feel seen, heard, and safe in our relationships.
What you are responsible for when setting boundaries (and what you're not)
How we set boundaries is key, and the delivery is our responsibility. Be clear in what you’re asking for. For example, saying, “Do you think you could maybe not call me after 8 PM?” is far less effective than “After 8 PM, I’m spending time with my family, so I won’t be answering any calls.”
The other person’s response is their responsibility. If the boundary is perceived as hurtful or unfair, it’s up to the other person to share their thoughts and feelings. This goes back to that “seen, heard, and safe” part of setting boundaries.
Commit to Yourself
Boundaries can be a source of personal accountability. If I’ve made a commitment to myself and my family to improve my work-life balance and be more present, I would be betraying myself if I don’t follow through with that.
Ask yourself: Am I challenging myself to have a difficult conversation that could result in growth? Or am I in a state of overwhelm, where I shut down, people-please, avoid, or take my frustration out on the wrong person?
Additional Resources
Here are some helpful resources if you’re interested in learning more about how boundaries can improve your day-to-day life with both yourself and others:
Nedra Glover Tawwab has written two great books with accompanying workbooks. Check out her website: https://www.nedratawwab.com/
One of my favorite podcasts on Spotify is We Can Do Hard Things. This episode on boundaries was phenomenal: Spotify Episode on Boundaries
